Self-rejection and even self-hatred are the root causes of many relationship problems. God wants us to have great relationships.
God's Word instructs us to have good relationships, but it also teaches us how to develop and maintain these relationships.
...the Holy Spirit revealed to me that first I must have peace with God. I must believe that He loves me. He does not wait until I am perfect to love me; He loves me unconditionally and completely at all times. Second, I must receive His love.
Receiving is a big issue. When we receive from God, we actually take into ourselves what He is offering. As we receive His love, we then have love in us. Once we are filled with God's love, we can begin loving ourselves. We can also begin giving that love back to God and bestowing it on other people.
Always remember: we cannot give away what we don't have!
We all need to ask ourselves what we are doing with the love of God that has been freely given us. Are we rejecting it because we don't think we are valuable enough to be loved? Do we believe God is like other people who have rejected and hurt us? Or are we receiving His love by faith, believing that He is greater than our failures and weaknesses?
It never occurred to me that I even had a relationship with myself...I now realize that I spend more time with myself than with anyone else, and it is vital that I get along well with me.
You are one person you never get away from.
...we are with us all the time, day and night. We never have one minute away from ourselves, not even one second - therefore, it is of the utmost importance that we have peace with ourselves.
It seemed to me that I had always had difficulties in relationships, and I really did not know why. I could not find people that I liked and enjoyed who also felt the same way about me. Through God's help I finally realized what the problem was: I was trying to give away something that I did not have.
...I had heard with my ears that God loved me, but I had not really believed it for myself. I may have believed it in general, but not personally.
We frequently try to deal with the bad first in our lives and never get to the root cause of it. If the root remains, the fruit will keep coming back. No matter how many times we cut it off, eventually it will come back. This cycle is very frustrating. We are trying the best we know how, and yet it seems we never find a permanent solution to our miseries.
I was desperately attempting to display loving behavior, but I had failed to receive God's love; therefore, I could not give away love. I did not have any to give.
I had tried walking in "perfect love" and had failed daily. I thought "perfect love" referred to my loving others perfectly. I was now beginning to see that perfect love was God's love for me - He is the only One who can love perfectly.
God's love is perfect even when we are not!
My problem was a lack of love. I had never received proper love in my life; therefore, I had never learned to properly love myself. I didn't even like myself, let alone love myself. If nobody else loves us, we don't see why we should love ourselves. If others don't love us, we think we must not be worth loving.
We should love ourselves - not in a selfish, self-centered way that produces a lifestyle of self-indulgence, but in a balanced, godly way, a way that simply affirms God's creation as essentially good and right. We may be flawed by the years and the unfortunate experiences we have undergone, but that does not mean we are worthless and good for nothing but the trash can.
We must have the kind of love that says, "I can love what God can love. I don't love everything I do, but I accept myself, because God accepts me." We must develop the kind of mature love that says, "I know I need to change, and I want to change. In fact, I believe God is changing me daily, but in the meanwhile I will not reject what God accepts. I will accept myself as I am right now, knowing that I will not always remain this way."
Our faith gives us hope for the future.
Once we receive God's love and begin to love and accept ourselves, it greatly improves our relationship with Him. Until we accept His love, the cycle is incomplete. We can love Him only because He first loved us.
Insecurity and feelings of unworthiness keep us from being able to receive very well. We may feel that we must earn or deserve everything we get. We may think, "Why would someone want to just give me something?" We may become suspicious: "What is their motive? What do they want from me? What are they after?"
When God reaches out to love us, He is attempting to start a cycle that will bless not only us but also many others.
God's plan is this: He wants us to receive His love, love ourselves in a balanced and godly way, generously love Him in return, and finally love all the people who come into our lives.
Rejecting ourselves does not change us, it actually multiplies our problems. Acceptance causes us to face reality and then begin to deal with it. We cannot deal with anything as long as we are refusing to accept it or denying its reality.
People who reject themselves do so because they cannot see themselves as proper or right. They only see their flaws and weaknesses, not their beauty and strength.
To walk with God, we must agree with God. He says He loves us and accepts us; therefore, if we agree with Him, we can no longer hate and reject ourselves.
We need to agree with God that when He created us, He created something good.
Once again let me emphasize that I realize everything we do is not good, but at this point we are discussing ourselves, not our behavior.
...You see the things in yourself that need to be changed, and it is very difficult for you to think or say, "I accept myself." You feel that to do so would be to accept all that is wrong with you, but that is not the case.
Change requires correction - people who do not know they are loved have a very difficult time receiving correction. Correction does no good at all if it is not received.
We cannot trust unless we believe we are loved. To grow up in God and be changed, we must trust Him. Often He will lead us in ways that we cannot understand, and during those times we must have a tight grip on His love for us.
Accept God's love for you and make that love the basis for your love and acceptance of yourself. Receive his affirmation, knowing that you are changing and becoming all that He desires you to be. Then start enjoying yourself - where you are - on your way to full spiritual maturity.
We have already established that insecurity caused by a poor self-image affects all of our relationships. It also greatly affects our future.
If you have a poor self-image, it has already adversely affected your past, but you can be healed and not allow the past to repeat itself. Let go of what lies behind, including any negative ways you have felt about yourself, and press on toward the good things God has in store for you.
God has a good plan for each one of us, but not all of us experience it. Many times we live far below the standard that God intends for us to enjoy.
A poor self-image causes us to operate in fear instead of faith. We look at what is wrong with us instead of what is right with Jesus. He has taken our wrongness and given us His righteousness. We need to walk in the reality of that truth.
We offer God what we have, and He gives us what He has. He takes all of our sins, faults, weaknesses and failures, and gives us His ability, His righteousness, and His strength. He takes our poverty, and gives us His riches. He takes our diseases and sicknesses, and gives us His healing and health. He takes our messed up failure-filled past, and gives us the hope of a bright future.
God does not have a bad attitude toward you - you should not have one toward yourself! Shake off the past and set your sights on the future.
Almost every one of us could use some improvement in our self-image. It takes time to grasp the hope for ourselves that God has for us.
It is so wonderful and comforting to know that when everyone else only sees our faults, God still sees our possibilities.
In the Bible we find that when people were in trouble, God met them where they were and helped them. Thank God He does not wait for us to manage to get to Him - but He comes to us!
God often makes miracles out of mistakes.
Each of us has a destiny, and there is absolutely no excuse not to fulfill it. We cannot use our weakness as an excuse, because God says that His strength is made perfect in weakness. We cannot use the past as an excuse because God tells us through the Apostle Paul that if any person is in Christ, he is a new creature; old things have passed away, and all things have become new.
How God sees us is not the problem, it is how we see ourselves that keeps us from succeeding. Each of us can succeed at being everything God intends us to be.
We are all in the process of becoming. For much of my life I felt that I would never be ok until I arrived, but I have learned that is not the truth. My heart desires to be all God wants me to be, and I want to be like Jesus. My flesh does not always cooperate withe me.
Yes, we all have a way to go. I was distraught about how far I had to go, and it seemed Satan reminded me of it daily, sometimes even hourly. I carried a constant sense of failure, a feeling that I was just not what I needed to be, that I was not doing good enough, that I should try harder - and yet when I did try harder, I only failed more.
I have now adopted a new attitude: "I am not where I need to be, but thank God I am not where I used to be; I'm ok, and I'm on my way!"
I now know with all my heart that God is not angry with me because I have not arrived. He is pleased that I am pressing on , that I am staying on the path. If you and I will just "keep on keeping on," God will be pleased with our progress.
Keep walking the walk. A walk is something taken one step at a time. This is an important thing to remember.
If I invited you to take a walk, you would think I was crazy if I became angry after the first few steps because we had not yet arrived at our destination. We can understand ordinary things like this, and yet we have a difficult time understanding that God expects it to take some time for us to grow spiritually.
We don't think there is something wrong with one-year-old children because they cannot walk perfectly. They fall down frequently, but we pick them up, love them, bandage them if necessary, and keep working with them. Surely our awesome God can do even more for us than we do for our children.
It is very important to maintain balance in all things, for if we don't we open a door for Satan.
We have been considering how to have a good self-image. One way we do that is by realizing that we have not arrived at perfection, that we have some growing to do, but that in the meantime we are ok. It is true that we have to keep pressing on, but thank God we don't have to hate and reject ourselves while we are trying to get to our destination.
What is a normal, healthy Christian attitude toward self? Here are a few thoughts that reflect that kind of wholesome, God-centered self-image:
- I know God created me, and He loves me.
- I have faults and weaknesses, and I want to change. I believe God is working in my life. He is changing me bit by bit, day by day. While He is doing so, I can still enjoy myself and my life.
- Everyone has faults, so I am not a complete failure just because I am not perfect.
- I am going to work with God to overcome my weaknesses, but I realize that I will always have something to deal with; therefore, I will not become discouraged when God convicts me of areas in my life that need improvement.
- I want to make people happy and have them like me, but my sense of worth is not dependent on what others think of me. Jesus has already affirmed my value by His willingess to die for me.
- I will not be controlled by what people think, say or do. Even if they totally reject me, I will survive. God has promised never to reject me or condemn me as long as I keep believing.
- No matter how often I fail, I will not give up, because God is with me to strengthen and sustain me. He has promised never to leave me or forsake me.
- I like myself. I don't like everything I do, and I want to change - but I refuse to reject myself.
- I am right with God through Jesus Christ.
- God has a good plan for my life. I am going to fulfill my destiny and be all I can be for His glory. I have God-given gifts and talents, and I intend to use them to help others.
- I am nothing, and yet I am everything! In myself I am nothing, and yet in Jesus I am everything I need to be.
- I can do all things I need to do, everything that God calls me to do, through His Son Jesus Christ.
Here are some additional suggestions to help you develop and maintain a balanced attitude and a healthy self-image:
- Always reject and hate your sin, but don't reject yourself.
- Be quick to repent.
- Be honest with God and yourself, about yourself.
- When God gives you light, don't fear it.
- Stop saying negative, downgrading things about yourself, but don't boast either.
- Don't have an exaggerated opinion of your own importance, but don't think you are insignificant.
- Don't always assume when things go wrong that it is your fault. But don't be afraid to admit it, if you are wrong.
- Beware if having yourself on your mind too much. Don't meditate excessively on what you have done right or what you have done wrong. Both of these activities keep your mind on you! Keep your thoughts centered on Christ and His principles.
- Take good care of yourself physically. Do the best you can with what God gave you to work with - but don't be excessive or vain about your appearance.
- Learn all you can, but don't allow your education to become a point of pride. God does not want us because of our education, but because of our heart toward Him.
- Realize that your gifts and talents are a gift, not someting you have manufactured yourself. Don't look down on people who cannot do what you can do.
- Don't despise your weaknesses - they keep you dependent on God.
Change does not come through struggle, human effort without God, frustration, self-hatred, self-rejection, guilt or works of the flesh.
Change in our lives comes as a result of having our minds renewed by the Word of God. As we agree with God and really believe that what He says is true, it gradually begins to manifest itself in us. We begin to think differently, then we begin to talk differently, and finally we begin to act differently. This is a process that develops in stages, and we must always remember that while it is taking place we can still have the attitude, "I'm ok, and I'm on my way!"
Enjoy yourself while you are changing. Enjoy where you are on the way to where you are going. Enjoy the journey! Don't waste all of your "now time" trying to rush into the future. Remember, tomorrow will have troubles of its own.
Today you may be wrestling with a bad temper and thinking if you could just get freedom in that area, everything would be all right. The thing is, you may have forgotten that God will then reveal something else that needs to be dealth with, and you will be back in the same frame of mind again, thinking, "If only I didn't have this problem, I could be happy."
We should learn to be joyful about our progress, not depressed about how far we still have to go. We must learn to look at the positive, not the negative.
How can we succeed at being ourselves if we don't know ourselves? Life is like a maze sometimes, and it is easy to get lost. Everyone, it seems, expects something different from us. There is pressure coming at us from every direction to keep others happy and meet their needs.
We put a large amount of emotional and mental energy into studying the important people in our lives and trying to decide what they want from us. We then attempt to become what they want us to be. In the process, we may lose ourselves. We may fail to discover what God wants, or what His intention is for us. We may try to please everyone else and yet not be pleased ourselves.
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