Wednesday, February 4, 2009

The Search for Significance

Many of us are hurt emotionally, relationally, and spiritually, but because we are unaware of the extent of our wounds, we don't take steps toward healing and health. Perhaps we feel that our situations are "normal," that experiencing loneliness, hurt, and anger is really all there is to life.

We all develop elaborate defense mechanisms to block pain and gain significance. We suppress emotions; we are compulsive perfectionists; we attack people who hurt us; we punish ourselves when we fail; we try to say clever things to be accepted; we help people so that we will be appreciated; and we say and do countless other things.

Whether your hurts are deep or relatively mild, it is wise to be honest about them in the context of affirming relationships so that healing can begin.

Many of us mistakenly believe that God doesn't want us to be honest about our lives. We think that He will be upset with us if we tell Him how we really feel. The Lord desires truth and honesty at the deepest level and wants us to experience His love, forgiveness, and power in all areas of our lives. Experiencing His love does not mean that all of our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors will be pleasant and pure. It means that we can be real, feeling pain and joy, love and anger, confidence and confusion. God wants us to be open and honest with Him about all of our emotions, not just the pleasant ones.

Our experience of healing can only be as deep as our awareness of the need for it. When we are without something we need we find ourselves uncomfortable, sometimes even miserable.

The man or woman who lives only for the love and attention of others is never satisfied - at least, not for long. Despite our efforts, we will never find lasting, fulfilling peace if we must continually prove ourselves to others. Our desire to be loved and accepted is a symptom of a deeper need - the need that frequently governs our behavior and is the primary source of our emotional pain. Often unrecognized, this is our need for self-worth.

As Christians, our fulfillment in this life depends not on our skills to avoid life's problems but on our ability to apply God's specific solutions to those problems. An accurate understanding of God's truth is the first step toward discovering our significance and worth.

Millions of people spend a lifetime searching for love, acceptance, and success without understanding the need that compels them. We must understand that this hunger for self-worth is God-given and can only be satisfied by Him. Our value is not dependent on our ability to earn the fickle acceptance of people, but rather, its true source is the love and acceptance of God. He created us. He alone knows how to fulfill all of our needs.

Our behavior is often a reflection of our beliefs about who we are. It is usually consistent with what we think to be true about ourselves. Our feelings, behavior, and beliefs all interact to shape our lives. Our home environment plays a central role in forming our beliefs and emotions. Separated from God and His Word, people have only their abilities and the opinions of others on which to base their worth, and the circumstances around them ultimately control the way they feel about themselves.

Each of us has probably failed badly at some point in our lives. Perhaps some particular sin or weakness has caused us to feel condemned and unworthy of love. Without the hope and healing that God can provide, our evaluation of ourselves will eventually lead to despair.

We all have compelling, God-given needs for love, acceptance, and purpose, and most of us will go to virtually any lengths to meet those needs. Our attempts to meet our needs for success and approval fall into two broad categories: compulsiveness and withdrawal. Some people expend extra effort, work extra hours, and try to say just the right things to achieve success and please those around them.

The other broad category is withdrawal. Those who manifest this behavior usually try to avoid failure and disapproval by avoiding risks. They won't volunteer for the jobs that offer much risk of failure. They gravitate toward people who are comforting and kind, skirting relationships that might demand vulnerability and, consequently, the risk of rejection. They may appear to be easygoing, but inside they are usually running from every potential situation or relationship that might not succeed.

When we base our security on success and others' opinions, we become dependent on our abilities to perform and please others. Our self-esteem and view of God are usually a mirror of our parents' attitudes toward us. Those who are loved and affirmed by their parents tend to have a fairly healthy self-concept, and usually find it easy to believe that God is loving and powerful. Those whose parents have been neglectful, manipulative, or condemning usually seem to feel that they have to earn a sense of worth, and that God is aloof, demanding, and/or cruel.

A primary deception all of us tend to believe is that success will bring fulfillment and happiness. Again and again, we've tried to measure up, thinking that if we could meet certain standards we would feel good about ourselves.

This well describes the difference between healthy and unhealthy friendship, whether sex comes into the picture or not. Healthy relationships are turned outward rather that inward. Healthy relationships encourage individuality rather than conformity and are concerned with independence rather than emotional dependence. Healthy relationships point one's focus to the Lord and pleasing Him rather than toward the friendship and pleasing one another.

How do we know when we've crossed to line from a healthy relationship to one that is emotionally dependent? When either party in a relationship:
  • experiences frequent jealousy, possessiveness, and a desire for exclusivity, viewing other people as a threat to the relationship.
  • prefers to spend time alone with this friend and becomes frustrated when this does not happen.
  • becomes irrationally angry or depressed when this friend withdraws slightly.
  • loses interest in friendships other than this one.
  • experiences romantic or sexual feelings leading to fantasy about this person.
  • becomes preoccupied by the person's appearance, personality, problems, and interests.
  • is unwilling to make short- or long-range plans that do not include the other person.
  • is unable to see the other's faults realistically.
  • becomes defensive about this relationship when asked.
  • displays physical affection beyond what is appropriate for a friendship.
  • refers frequently to the other in conversation; feels free to "speak for" the other.
  • exhibits an intimacy and familiarity with this friend that causes others to feel uncomfortable or embarrassed in their presence.

Our relationships with one another are very important to God. Pray that God will guide you to relationships that will encourage you to be honest, practice the truth of His Word, affirm you, and thereby help you develop an appropriate love for yourself and compel you to focus on Him as the gracious provider of your needs.

Our past relationships may involve the intense pain of neglect, abuse, and manipulation, but if we do not begin the process of healing, we will be unable to experience the joy, challenge, and, yes, the potential for failure in the present.

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